Life has a wonderful way of surprising us, doesn’t it? Reflecting on my high school years, I realize I didn’t date much—everything felt so pure and carefree, limited to family and friends. Even after moving to the U.S. for college, I didn’t fully embrace dating. That all changed when I moved to Texas and met my first husband at 19. Although our marriage ended by 24, it was a significant chapter filled with valuable lessons. Now, as I embark on this new journey of marriage, I’m excited to share insights from every stage of my relationship experiences.
“Dating is about finding out who you are and who others are. If you show up in a masquerade outfit, neither is going to happen.” – Henry Cloud
Dating
After my divorce, I embarked on a powerful journey to rediscover myself. I moved to California and focused two years on personal growth and hard work. Along the way, I met a guy and entered a long-distance relationship that lasted five years. Although the distance wasn’t great, I foolishly thought it was the reason we didn’t connect more often. In the end, I realized my worth was not being recognized, and I was not a priority. This journey taught me invaluable lessons about self-respect and the importance of prioritizing my own happiness over a relationship that lacked effort and communication. Here are some redflags you should be aware of:
EARLY Red Flags
- Love Bombing
- Rushing the Relationship
- Disrespecting Boundaries
- Constant Contact & Jealousy
- Controlling Behavior
- Inconsistent Actions and Words
- Negative Talk About Exes
Behavioral Red Flags
- Lack of Accountability
- Gaslighting
- Lack of Empathy
- Anger Management Issues
- Substance Abuse
- Isolation Tactics
- Secretive Behavior
Emotional Red Flags
- Constant Criticism
- Emotional Manipulation
- Inability to Communicate
- Lack of Emotional Support
Physical and Verbal Abuse
- Any form of physical, sexual, or emotional abuse is a major red flag and should never be tolerated.
Important Considerations
- Trust Your Gut
- Observe Patterns
- Seek Outside Perspective
Engaged
After my divorce and spending five years dating someone who wasn’t right for me, you might think I would stop dating altogether. However, it actually motivated me to date more and meet new people. I encountered nearly a hundred individuals. Whenever I noticed red flags, I would either stop seeing them or confront them, which often led them to end things. Then it was on to the next date. I would go out for coffee, lunch, outdoor activities, or sometimes dinner. I primarily met those guys through dating apps. I always made it a point to go out early and drive myself to ensure my safety. Eventually, I decided to stop dating because I became exhausted from asking questions and rarely met anyone who was interested in asking me questions in return. A helpful tip is to ensure that the person you’re dating is genuinely engaged; they should be the ones asking questions and making an effort in the conversation.
Early last year, in 2024, I met someone I thought would be a good match for me since we are both Filipinos. Unfortunately, I was mistaken. I made the mistake of introducing him to my family too early. I felt comfortable because of our shared nationality, which turned out to be a big mistake. We dated for almost two months, but those two months felt like a lifetime. When I asked him about his ex-wife, he became defensive and would often raise his voice, even storming out of the house. It was strange that he never asked me about my past; in previous relationships, guys typically wanted to know more about me, which often influenced whether we would continue dating. Despite these red flags, I initially believed him because of our shared culture. However, my gut feeling was telling me something different. I always felt anxious when he was around, and I felt at peace when he went home. You would think I had learned my lesson, but it seemed I needed this experience before finding my husband. He eventually told me he needed space, but a week later, he tried to reconnect. I refused to take him back because I believed that needing space really meant needing a breakup, and I needed to move on. This situation became an opportunity for me to escape from that relationship.
A few weeks later, I finally met the guy my mom had been talking about for an entire year. She shared how he had noticed me at her birthday party in 2023 and had inquired about me. From that moment on, my name would often come up in conversations among their friends. I may not know exactly what was said, but a year later, at my mom’s next birthday celebration, the guy they had wanted me to meet arrived. We played poker, engaged in small talk, and before long, we began hanging out regularly. I felt a profound sense of safety and relaxation around him. So, here are some green flags to look out for:
GREEN FLAGS
- Open and honest communication
- Respect for boundaries
- Emotional availability
- Shared goals and values
- Self-confidence and self-awareness
- Empathy and compassion
- Positive and supportive interactions
- Shared interests and activities
- Respectful communication
- Shared laughter and joy
- Healthy communication
- Mutual respect and trust
- A willingness to be vulnerable
- A commitment to the relationship
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